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06-05-2014, 05:08 AM | #1 |
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10 jokes only engineers will understand
1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. 2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. 3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" 4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets. 5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" 6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" 7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ) 8. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." 9. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool." 10. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer... "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
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06-05-2014, 05:54 AM | #2 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Sir, on behalf of the SAE, I present you with the scabbard and sword of the engineer....
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06-05-2014, 06:30 AM | #3 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
GEEZE - Not only do I know what that is , but I think I could remember how to use it just out of muscle memory... Sad thing is the people who will know the joke are few and far between these days.
Go back 20-25 years or so, I had my Father-in-law's mounted into a shadow board with a label from an extinguisher "in emergency break glass" and a mallet on a chain. From what I understand it graced his office until retirement - he worked for one of Chrysler's military related plants in Huntsville and said it got a lot of comments there... |
06-05-2014, 06:40 AM | #4 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
i have a friend who is an engineer, he was awarded a wall plaque in recognition of a great design, at a large formal meeting. he wanted to hang it in his office but.... the hook to hang it was on the bottom
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06-05-2014, 06:45 AM | #5 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Using a slide rule today is like bringing a knife to a gun fight.
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06-05-2014, 07:04 AM | #6 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
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06-05-2014, 07:23 AM | #7 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
But using a computer to do engineering is like bringing a gun to the dinner table.
The gun is real handy to subdue the data, but one loses the objective of the meal in the splatter beyond 3 significant figures. Joe K "An engineer is a person who will do for one dollar what any fool would do for two."
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06-05-2014, 07:29 AM | #8 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Gee, had not seen these kind of joke since I was an under grad EE student... gee i'm old... LoL.
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06-05-2014, 09:36 AM | #9 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Liked your jokes, and the slide rule brings back a lot of memories as the HP calculator was just coming out when I graduated from college with EE with Computer Science. Lot of people may laugh at using a slide rule but look at how many projects were done using them that are still around today. With todays computers parts are designed to the bare margin and no beef to make them last longer because of costs. Do not think the Model A would have lasted this long if designed with a computer. Wife says that us engineers are a different breed.
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06-05-2014, 10:00 AM | #10 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Not an engineer, just a lowly forklift tech. Understand them all perfectly. Working with Crown and Barrett equipment and Wolftech shrinkwrap machines I deal with this all of the time. In the process at work of putiing brakes and the carriages of shrinkwrap machines. Kits that were sent cover 5 different models, with several generations of PLC's. Having to figure out the hard way which parts to use with which machines. Prints that were sent are alittle vague, but after some studying I have it figured out. Rod
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06-05-2014, 10:38 AM | #11 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
FWIW: True Story.
When our local Alumina plant was opening in the late 1950's, the plant manager summoned (5) of his graduate mechanical engineers to study, mechanically analyze, & recommend which brand of vacuum cleaner should be bought for about (10) vacuum cleaners which would be used to vacuum clean the red bauxite out of the carpet in the administration offices. After (3) days, about 100 sheets of paper showing mechanical calculations, vacuum motor RPM's, mechanical advantage of drive belts, one (1) vacuum cleaner was rated no.1 & the less effective was rated no.7. In an executive meeting with the board, the engineers spent an hour describing why no. 1 was the best. Then the meeting room door accidently opened. The janitor said, "Oh, excuse me." The plant manager told old Joe to come in to see which vacuum cleaner he thought was best. Joe ran outside, picked up a half bucket full of red bauxite dust, spread it out in a line on the new carper, & proceeded to run each vacuum over this red line. Then Joe remarked, "See .......... no. 7 is the bestess one out the bunch." Quite naturally, I was told by old Joe that nobody smiled. |
06-05-2014, 10:41 AM | #12 | |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Quote:
LoL, i loved my HP-41c... still can only use a RPN, calculator!!!
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06-05-2014, 10:53 AM | #13 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
I haven't seen a slide rule for some time. I don't even know where mine is or what may have become of it....probably forgot how to use it anyway. It does seem like yesterday though.
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06-05-2014, 11:03 AM | #14 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
If you want to be the talk of the engineering staff meeting, come in with a 6 inch slide rule in your pocket protector.
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06-05-2014, 11:05 AM | #15 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
My Father could not use a slide rule and my kids can't as well. And I've lost my can of talcum powder.
Did I mention my slide rule still has burn marks on it from Thermo tests. |
06-05-2014, 11:10 AM | #16 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
THE GEOLOGIST AND THE ENGINEER
A man floating along in a hot air balloon began to realise he was lost. He reduced his altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a little more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am". The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above a late Cambrian volcaniclastic sedimentary sequence, 2.7 kilometres west of the Henty River near one of the major fault structures in the region." "You must be a geologist", said the balloonist. "I am." replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far". The woman below responded,"You must be an engineer". "I am," replied the balloonist,"but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are through a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise to someone that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem, but you really aren't interested in the information I'm providing. The fact is you are in exactly the same situation you were before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault". |
06-05-2014, 11:11 AM | #17 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
I used to work in a large research company with lots of engineers and they were always making small errors on sketches that we Model makers would catch. They rarely said anything, but you could tell that they did not like being caught in an error by Lowly machinists.
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06-05-2014, 11:13 AM | #18 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Still have my 6" K&E log-log-duplex decitrig sliderule. Can't find my pocket protecter anymore though! My 94 year old father still has his full size K&E with leather case from his school days.
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06-05-2014, 11:30 AM | #19 | |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Quote:
No printer or light pen or accessory memory for that. And still use regularly an HP32S which is a little more portable in my briefcase than the HP41CVX. Say no to algebraic notation on the calculator - RPN is a lifestyle choice. But I can see the attraction - and memory IS cheap now. I see the HP41CVs of various kinds are still pretty popular among the desk engineer crowd. I think the large variety of software modules that can be bought is responsible for that. And going back and using either the SR50 or the HP25 one realizes how "crude" these advancements were. Joe K
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06-05-2014, 12:43 PM | #20 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
And I still "burn" when I remember the night three of us engineer students went to Skidmore college to try to pick up some of those blond Long Island girls. When they heard what college we were from, they laughed and walked away saying "where are those sliderules you always wear on your belts".
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06-05-2014, 01:53 PM | #21 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
sent from my TRS-80
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06-05-2014, 02:38 PM | #22 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
My grandfather was a foreman for a structural steel contractor during the 1920's through 1950's. He worked on bridges - the Golden Gate for one - and dams - the Grand Coulee for another. He had a slide rule, a handbook of engineering tables, and a sixth grade education. His employer regarded him as an engineer. That just wouldn't happen nowadays.
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06-05-2014, 05:00 PM | #23 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Does anyone (EE's) have a copy of the story about smoke in wires?
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06-05-2014, 05:37 PM | #24 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
A google search, & Wikipedia, lead to some informative stuff on letting the smoke out - mostly to do with IC's & other circuit items. There is even a 'smoke recharge kit', and a kit for those with Lucas wiring that have let the smoke out.
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06-05-2014, 05:46 PM | #25 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
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06-05-2014, 05:53 PM | #26 | |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
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06-05-2014, 06:06 PM | #27 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
I gave my Post Versalog to my grandson. He doesn't understand it but if he has the occasion he might show his friends. Ought to be good for a laugh for them.
I can still do drawings with a T-square, triangles and paper and Yes, I did understand the jokes. |
06-05-2014, 07:07 PM | #28 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
OBI-Wan begs to differ.
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06-05-2014, 07:10 PM | #29 | |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Quote:
Anything with a "=" on the keyboard; I'm lost. Like trying a WIN computer after joining the Apple cult. "Press what??"
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06-05-2014, 07:28 PM | #30 | |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Quote:
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06-05-2014, 07:39 PM | #31 |
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06-05-2014, 09:06 PM | #32 |
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06-05-2014, 11:57 PM | #33 |
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06-06-2014, 12:04 AM | #34 |
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06-06-2014, 01:03 AM | #35 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
I can really relate to number 4 on the list. My wife is a mechanical PE doing defense work and I am a civil PE that does highway, waterway and structural design....pretty much all targets.
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06-06-2014, 05:17 AM | #36 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
So your wife target's you? A??? Your work
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06-06-2014, 05:39 AM | #37 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Never get an engineer working with a carpenter or a bricklayer
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06-06-2014, 10:52 AM | #38 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
I was hired to run water and a drain line to a test machine for rebuilt heat exchangers for commercial aircraft. This young, new engineer had his slide rule out and was studying it intently and told me to run something like 65' of 3/4" galvanized pipe through the bar joists above and then continue the remaining distance with 3/4" PVC plastic tube and discharge the drain into a stainless steel tank they used for anodizing aluminum. This length he surmised would dissipate the high heat from the discharge of the test module to the atmosphere and still have heat in the discharge for the effluent to be used in the anodizing process. Smart huh?
Well since our 3/4" galvanized pipe comes in 21' lengths, I didn't want to cut a new joint up for a two foot piece, so I installed all 4 joints of galvanized and then the last bit with 3/4" PVC. Well when the time came to turn on the equipment it sounded like a jet engine and the engineer was watching the gauges and pressures on the machine and I stepped into the following rooms to check my discharge pipe for leaks. The bar joists were maybe 8 to 10' apart and when I got to the PVC section I could see the PVC start to sag at the first foot of pipe. I ran back to the dude a told him to turn off the heat portion of the test and run cold water to cool the system, I ran back to the end hanging over the SS tank to watch it fall off into the tank just as the cold water hit it. He told me to remove the PVC and replace it with galvanized pipe. I didn't see him anymore, even on the next test. Didn't ask where he was, he was probably being ribbed too much by the other engineers to come back in there. |
06-06-2014, 03:15 PM | #39 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Although retired, I maintain my registration as a mechanical engineer in both Idaho and California. This means I'm legally licensed by two western states to wear khakis and button-down shirts, carry an unbelievably large assortment of surgically-sharp pencils and multi-colored pens, and tell long, convoluted (but incredibly funny) jokes. To wit:
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathematician, after considerable thought, measured the ball's diameter, evaluated a triple integral, gave it a level of confidence factor and arrived at the ball's volume (plus or minus). The physicist thought there was an easier way: he filled a calibrated beaker with water, submerged the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. But the engineer had them all beat - he examined the red rubber ball and looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball physical properties handbook. An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, I prefer both. "Both?" asked the architect and artist in unison. "Yes," replied the engineer. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done. Now, having gotten this far, some of you may be wondering if the engineering field might be open to you. To assess whether you might have what it takes to be an engineer, I offer the following short assessment questionnaire: You may qualify to be an engineer if: 1. You have a Dilbert cartoon displayed anywhere in your work area. 2. The only jokes you receive are in an email. 3. Your wrist watch has more computing power than an IBM 360-60. 4. Your idea of good interpersonal communications means getting the decimal point in the right place. 5. You use CAD to design a saw horse. 6. You window shop at Radio Shack. 7. You know the direction the water swirls when the bathtub drains. 8. You own more than one white short-sleeved dress shirt. 9. You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance. 10. If you still own a slide rule and know how to use it. 11. You need a checklist to operate the VCR/DVD player. 12. You can remember 7 different passwords but not your anniversary. 13. You can keyboard 70 words per minute but can’t read your own handwriting. 14. People groan at a party when you pick out the music. 15. People groan at a party when you dance. 16. People groan at a party when you tell a joke. 17. You have more friends on the internet than in real life. 18. You think people around you yawn because they didn’t get enough sleep. 19. You know what http:/ stands for. 20. You have a neatly sorted and labeled collection of nuts and bolts in your garage. And for those of you who didn't make the engineering cut (so to speak) - eat your heart out...
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06-07-2014, 01:08 AM | #40 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Getting back to slide rules, I remember the sometimes not too friendly competition between the owners of the Fence POSTS, the KEUFFEL & ERRORS, and my lone EE style rickety PICKETT. The metal Pickett had a real advantage in the humid air of Cincinnati, as I only adjusted it maybe once a year, where those with the bamboo wonders were at it once a week or more. Swell and shrink, swell and shrink......................
The Pickett also had four more scales on it, as it had been designed for EE users, which drove the other ChE's mad in Log-Log tests. Fun times, but now over 50 years ago !!!! Last edited by Lycoming-8; 06-08-2014 at 01:14 AM. |
06-08-2014, 12:36 AM | #41 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Anybody still got there Curta calculator and remember how to use it? Amazing mechanical device really.
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06-08-2014, 09:25 AM | #42 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
A bunch of guys with slide rules and crew cuts landed men on the moon.........
Speaking of old,outdated engineering techniques, how many today could make a blueprint of a part on a drafting table, and develop all the views? |
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06-08-2014, 09:46 AM | #43 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Not sayin' I'm old, but in my first engineering class students needed an abacus.
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06-08-2014, 08:35 PM | #44 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Don't forget, we sent men to the moon and got them back home with those slide rules!😏
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06-08-2014, 09:50 PM | #45 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
And how many could figure cube root and higher by the longhand method?
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06-09-2014, 11:16 AM | #46 |
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06-09-2014, 11:19 AM | #47 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Only if my electric eraser still works and I can find my scumbag - everything else I'd need is in my desk drawer at home.
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06-09-2014, 03:19 PM | #48 |
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06-09-2014, 03:31 PM | #49 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
You'll also need:
and
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06-09-2014, 03:33 PM | #50 | |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Quote:
'Murrica!
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06-09-2014, 08:05 PM | #51 |
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I don't think you asked the girls at Skidmore College the right questions. I was in an identical situation cruising thru Colby College campus in New Hampshire looking for some girls with my engineer friends. We asked if there were other girls available and we told them that we had plenty of records, beer, spaghetti and meat balls back at the ski lodge. They said don't go away and came back twenty minutes later with enough girls to fill three cars! I met a blond gal and married her over 49 years ago. I didn't know it at the time but I married the girl that let me put her car outside in the snow while my Model A sat in the garage on blocks during the winter. Boy, what a wonder ride this life has been! Ed
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06-09-2014, 09:25 PM | #52 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
As a truck mechanic in the parcel delivery sector, we had to repair plant equipment on night shift.A new conveyor system was designed by an out of state engineer and installed by a contractor. System broke down after 20 min. I had to work three hours to repair it. The engineer called to ask how the system was running. I just had to ask him what railroad he worked for CSX or Seaboard Coastline.
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06-09-2014, 10:53 PM | #53 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
When I think what I paid for some of this stuff (well, the circular slide rule was a gift, more or less)...
Next, someone will no doubt ask, "Why two drafting sets?" Answer: one is metric... photo-5.jpg photo-6.jpg
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06-10-2014, 06:27 AM | #54 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
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06-10-2014, 01:24 PM | #55 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
And yet another day has passed that I did not use algebra once. Very interesting.
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06-10-2014, 07:55 PM | #56 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
As a child I was very worried that my life would end in a whirlpool, quicksand, or nuclear annihilation; another day above ground and above room temperature!
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06-12-2014, 07:57 PM | #57 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
When Apollo 13 started to unravel on live TV, we saw those pipe smoking guys pull out their slide rules and go to work.
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06-13-2014, 07:42 AM | #58 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
I started college in 1968 and they still had a slide rule class for freshman engineering students. I still have my 1949 Pickett slide rule that my uncle passed on to me when I went to college.
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06-13-2014, 09:11 AM | #59 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Wasn't this Gene Roddenberry's personal E-6B used as a prop?
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20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs, and Bob Hope. Now we have no Cash, no Jobs, and no Hope...please don't let Kevin Bacon die! |
09-22-2016, 08:38 PM | #60 | |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Quote:
Saved a lot problems that way. |
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09-22-2016, 09:38 PM | #61 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Engineers, the most laughed at profession in society. If it wasn't for engineers, shoe slesmen would have been first. My friend just about married an engineer but she sobered up in time to avoid the embarrassment. wayne.
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09-22-2016, 09:54 PM | #62 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Had a next door neighbour once who was a highly qualified electrical design engineer who worked for a very large electricity corporation. He was attempting to repair his lawn mower. Worked on it all weekend and then went to buy a new one on Monday because he didn't know how to put it back together. He came over to ask me "how do you remove the Spark Plug?"
All this talk about Slide Rules, Scientific Calculators and Computers, I do'nt understand. I still use one of these.
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09-23-2016, 12:08 AM | #63 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
The last time I pulled my slide rule out of my drawer and tried to slide it, it was stuck
from the wood swelling.... |
09-23-2016, 02:19 AM | #64 | |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Quote:
Some people have too much time on their hands.
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09-23-2016, 05:58 AM | #65 | |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Quote:
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09-23-2016, 08:54 AM | #66 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
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Now I draw all day and forget to save before shutting down or the power goes out and have nothing on my drawings Now that's progress |
09-23-2016, 03:02 PM | #67 |
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Re: 10 jokes only engineers will understand
Thinking of a slide rule reminded me that a couple of weeks ago a co-worker asked me if I knew how to use vernier calipers. I told him I thought I could remember but as soon as he handed them to me I knew I was in trouble.
I found that I could not even see well enough see the vernier much less read it. Last edited by Y-Blockhead; 09-24-2016 at 01:42 AM. |
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